Dear Editor,
I am shocked--shocked--that businesses have been putting up anauthorized bike racks in our historic town center. Thank goodness we have the HDC protecting our town's integrity!
The bat was one thing. We know colonial Americans had no creativity or sense of humor, so of course we had to make sure that today's citizens who are cursed with these afflictions keep them private, but bike racks are a scourge of a higher order. We know that in colonial times there were no bike racks, and that alone should keep them out of the center. But where there are bike racks, there are bikes! Bikes! And every bike that rolls into town leaves a patriotic American automobile rotting in its garage rather than gracing our center! Just imagine: one innocent-looking little bike rack with ten bikes on it keeps fifteen tons of American steel cowering in its garage rather than standing Minute-Man proud out in our colonial asphalt parking lots! And let's not forget the gasoline! Those ten cars would have burned over two gallons of American fuel getting to the Center and back. Those bikes force all of us, even those who don't choose to ride bikes, to breathe cleaner air, and that's un-American!
Of course, my analysis assumes that these bikes are ridden by licensed drivers. As you know, this is not always the case. Yes, bike racks can encourage an even greater pestilence to enter our town center: children!
Sincerely,